Cycling Terminology Demistified

I got this sent to me from the triathlon club email list I’m on. I don’t know who the author is. Enjoy. :)

Cyclists are the biggest sandbaggers and secret trainers around. They’ll say anything to soften you up for the kill. Don’t let this happen to you. Study this handy rider’s phrasebook to find out what they really mean when they say:

 

“I’m out of shape”
Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and haven’t missed a day since the Ford administration. I replace my 11-tooth cog more often than you wash your shorts. My body fat percentage is lower than your mortgage rate.

“I’m not into competition. I’m just riding to stay in shape”
Translation: I will attack until you collapse in the gutter, babbling and whimpering. I will win the line sprint if I have to force you into oncoming traffic. I will crest this hill first if I have to grab your seat post and spray energy drink in your eyes.

“I’m on my beater bike”
Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany using composites blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared. 
It weighs less than a fart and costs more than a divorce. 

“It’s not that hilly”
Translation: This climb lasts longer than a presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep sections or you’ll fall over — backward. You have a 39×23 low gear? Here’s the name of my knee surgeon.

“This is a no-drop ride”
Translation: I’ll need an article of your clothing for the search-and- rescue dogs.

“It’s not that far”
Translation: Bring your passport

New Element Found

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has ecently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named Governmentium. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s Mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium – an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.